...and according to such scum 'newspapers' like the Daily Mail and the Daily Express, I'm a benefit-scrounging leech on society.
I've got my left hand tucked into my right side bra strap right now to support it as it hurts sooo much. It feels like someone has ripped my elbow out of joint, and burns dully like I've had my blood pressure taken by the most sadistic nurse in the land - one who pumped the cuff up way too tight and left it on way too long.
My illness dictates everything from what shampoo I can use (my head weeps when I use most shampoo), what shoes I can wear (I have to wear VERY supportive shoes or my Achilles heels will rupture) and even the clothes I wear - if I go out on a windy day, even if it's sunny, and I'm not covered from head to toe, my skin will chap red raw. If I go out not wearing enough clothes and the temperature drops I will get a chill which lasts for days.
I have to stay indoors 90% of the time as the problems with my bowel and bladder mean when I need the loo, I need it NOW. I have literally 30 seconds notice sometimes before I have to go.
If I have to grip something, like a pen, a broom, or a shopping bag, my hands cramp up in agony and I have to physically bend my fingers back straight.
I get things mixed up all the time. I get names and people mixed up. I might reply to something on Facebook and say the completely wrong thing as I think I'm speaking to someone else. It makes me look like an idiot, and I was grammar school educated, so I'm not daft. These are people I've known for years, too. It makes me doubt everything I think, everything I go to say. I'm losing the ability to spell and have to Google words I've known how to spell since before I was 10.
There's one place my bum doesn't hurt to sit - my sofa, which is thickly padded. Sitting in a normal desk chair makes my bum and base of my spine feel like I've been beaten with baseball bats. Even resting my feet flat on the floor is too painful sometimes. I spend a good part of my day with my feet off the floor on a footrest.
When I go anywhere in a car, the vibrations from the road make me hurt all over, especially my arms. I have to tuck them into the waist part of the seatbelt and let them go like dead weights to try to lessen the pain.
I lose balance all the time, even stepping from one foot to another. Sometimes I wave my arms around in the air like a demented tightrope walker and J will catch me and right me, other times I'll bounce off a wall or a door - if there's one in the way - and often times I'll land on the deck, as I did twice last month. It lost my balance once in Tesco going from one foot to the other and nearly fell into the refrigerated section, causing some old witch to tut at me, as I suppose I looked drunk.
My memory is crap - I can leave a tap running, leave the rings burning on the stove, forget to take my meds, forget birthdays, forget my way home....even when I have Google maps up on my phone. I have to laugh, sometimes there's nothing else to do :)
I am prone to injuries - especially in my feet/ankles, knees, hips and back - which are always caused by the stupidest things: doing the hoovering, going for a walk, turning over in bed, picking something up off the floor etc. etc. I am depressed and anxious. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing for me to do every day as I don't want to face the day. If I'm outside on my own I have panic attacks. I have to go everywhere with my boyfriend (edit - now husband.) If I'm going to town to meet my gal pals I have to take taxis both ways as I can't walk that far without serious injury AND I will have a panic attack. I have a panic attack going to the post box on my own. If I see someone coming towards me I cross the road and if someone is right up my arse behind me (some people seem to have no respect for personal boundaries) I will walk as fast as I can - even if I injure myself - to get away from them.
I have a headache almost every day, and if I 'push through' it too much I will get a migraine which will incapacitate me and send me to bed. Bright sunlight physically pains me. It feels like I'm being knifed in the eyes, and if I'm not careful I'll get a migraine. I'm sensitive to noises, smells, movement. If I stand still in a public place where people are streaming past, where it's noisy, where there are lots of smells, I will soon start to feel dizzy and nauseous. A trip to the supermarket taxes me no end.
CFS is a real pain in the arse. Over do it - like a 20 minute walk or a gentle swim - and I walk like a drunk, slur my words and HAVE to get to bed ASAP before I injure myself. Once I passed out whilst hoovering. I was most perplexed to wake up with a radiator shaped dent in my bonce. I'm dizzy and nauseous much of the time. IBS and bladder pain pretty much rules my life, that's when the periods from hell aren't ;) Pain is a constant companion of mine, funny that this is the last thing I mentioned, but I hurt everywhere every day. Sometimes I can get by and not even notice it so much, and sometimes it makes me take to my bed and pray for sleep to take it all away.
Yeah, I'm a real scrounger.
Fuck you Cameron and your little media spin-bastards who are feeding all this shit to your partisan newspaper buddies.
FUCK YOU.